I’ve been wanting to post about this for a while, but I was waiting until I rediscovered the lyrics analysis. It turns out, it’s basically impossible to rediscover so I’ll just write down the bits of the analysis from what I remember.

The reason I’m posting about it now, and not waiting until I achieve the impossible and find the analysis is because of my volunteer group leader.
She’s a nice woman, honestly. Kind of shy and quiet, but she’s kind. And she had a miscarriage last week.
I don’t suppose I should be writing about this in a public blog, but I feel like I should. She was absolutely calm when she mentioned it, and I don’t know. I guess when she told us about it, I was reminded of all the sorrow and bitterness in the world.
Now, how this has to do with a lyrics analysis of a song may be confusing but it isn’t. First of all, here are the lyrics:

「紅蓮」#ガゼット

I’m sorry… after awhile, let me sleep by your name

The passing days drew us closer
The pain is matched with joy
Both hands reflect that
I cry when I think of you

there is a rain of sadness
it’s fine just to remain unknown
I tremble for repose, I remembered
what did that insufficient eye see?

Chorus
Don’t fade my dear
let me hear, even a sigh
a small heartbeat, that isn’t there
I want you come here!

Unchanging dreams, if this continues on
please don’t pause in your happiness
even if it doesn’t need to call out but
the drowning days are piling over me.

Chorus

Even the hands of salvation are also in vagueness
Will there be a cocoon at intervals of the second, without the string tearing off?

Don’t fade my dear
I want to hear, even a sigh
little rhythm to the sound of the heartbeat
of untouched prayers delivered.

the name which I cannot call out I held closely
counting with my fingers, I don’t want tomorrow to disappear
hearing with blocked ears
the sound of a cradle shaking

the spring time will never come again
the crimson lotus is in bloom

Those lyrics above are fan-translated, I believe. The original is here.

In the process of making this entry perfect, I did achieve the impossible and found the original analysis, here. But I’ll still paraphrase it because it’s easier.
The general idea is that a young mother is going through a miscarriage. Throughout the song (which should be her thought process) she is crying, grieving and begging for a second chance so that she can protect her child, as well as begging for a chance that her child might live. Original analysis is here, but it’s a tad bit long.

Anyway, hearing my volunteer group leader talk about her own miscarriage got me into thinking about this and I couldn’t imagine what sort of pain and loss (not to mention a whole spectrum of other emotions I probably have never even heard of) would go into losing your child.
It kind of made me realize that there is nothing wrong with my life when there are people with real problems in the world. I felt horrible for complaining about the petty problems I’ve had this week when my group leader was experiencing the suffering of the loss of a child.

I didn’t want to ask how and why it happened. I didn’t want to ask for details, so I leave now with a simple rest in peace, and sometime during the last week.

R.I.P.

So it’s 1:49 a.m. as I’m typing this and I’m thinking, “Who the hell is still up at 1:49 in the morning?!” For heaven’s sake, I have school tomorrow today.
Which, ironically enough, is why I am still up at 1:49 a.m. I’m doing art homework.
Yeah. Art homework.
Which is absolutely nonsensical because I was unaware you could have homework for art. Or a written test. Which I will have in, oh, about 10 hours.

Now it’s 1:51 a.m. and I’m trying, but failing, to find pictures that I can sketch. I just did a Burton sketch, and I went on the Converse website to see if I could find any cool logos but what I found was a double-tongued Chuck Taylor. Yep. Double-tongue. Which is nice, I suppose, if you like to French kiss a lot but I’m lacking that very much in my life right now and besides, who the hell wears double-tongued Chucks? It’s unnatural. And unnatural coming from me means it is definitely unnatural.

So instead of being a good student and drawing, I’m using up my last ounces of creativity to write a blog entry. And answering a Facebook message. And it’s a very cute Facebook message from a very cute person so I’m excused for that, but not for writing this. But I’m at a loss on what to draw because I can’t function properly. Not to mention that I’m too lazy to go get myself another can of energy drink and that I really want to go to bed.
I’m going to pass out by Saturday, and when Mai comes to go to the Nitobe Memorial Garden with me, she wont be able to wake me up. How lovely.

Did I mention that I have a written art test that I have to study for with 18 pages of notes? Oh yes.
The art test is more challenging than my required course tests! How in the name of hell is that possible?

I also earned myself a 55% in a social studies test today, but I wont even bother doing anything because, as the teacher so obviously hates me, I’ll just end up lowering my score anyhoo. And I’m too tired to be pissed off at that right now, but I’ll come back to it eventually.

I think I’m hearing things.
There is a continuous clicking noise that is coming from the room across from mine, except I cannot find a reasonable explanation for it. Oh my God, I feel like I’m in “Harry Potter Puppet Pals and the Mysterious Ticking Noise”.
But I will not start to chant my name in time to the ticking. Absolutely not.

Hm. I think I’ll go sketch some more. At 2:01 a.m. now.

So.

I just finished a scoop of IGA’s Chocolate Cake ice cream. And that was extremely enjoyable because, well, I love ice cream. Everyone’s gone off home, work, or doing tutorials while I’m sitting in the library, writing this. Which is very funny because I have about two papers, three tests and a bunch of other stuff that is due next week because it’s the end of the semester and the teachers are all suddenly going beserk.

What made my day yesterday was a comment from someone I haven’t heard from in a while and, 1) I’m doing great, 2) I’m in Canada and 3) it was lovely to hear from you!
Kehe~

Anyway, I’m extremely tempted to call my tutor today and cancel because I really have to do my homework and my projects, except I’m afraid to because I canceled last week as well. And I can not have him mad at me because he will hit me over the head with SAT-help books. Those books are about 700 pages.

I’ve also made a goal for myself this week, which is to sleep for 10 hours in one day. And hopefully, that can happen. I hope. My goal for today is to sleep before 12:00 a.m. I even shook on it with two of my friends, hooray.

Right, I’m out. I have to call my mom and ask about rescheduling my class with my tutor today.